I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
