I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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