theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
