I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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