it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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