sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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