did you get engaged???
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
