found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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