Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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