He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
