John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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