A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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