I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
