I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
