Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
