I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
...so i touched it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
