my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
