sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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