I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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