is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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