it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
