i used baking grease as lip gloss
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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