I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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