My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
