i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
