the condom got lost in my hair
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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