You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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