did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
