Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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