loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
