at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
