why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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