her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
