Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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