We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
