Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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