I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
