I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
