No stitches, just platelets and will power
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
