Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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