Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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