i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
