my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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