I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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