I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
