before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
