I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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