a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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