That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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