Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
