I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
