I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I need moral support for this bender
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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