I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
