I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
