I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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