Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
