I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
