i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
