Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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